


South Park One-Shots

by Its_ZombieNinja_MoFo



Category: South Park
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Dark Comedy, Dirty Talk, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, I suck at tags, LMAO, Maybe - Freeform, Maybe Some Angst Idek, Multi, Ugh, idek, maybe even some smut, nah, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-05-06
Packaged: 2018-03-29 08:14:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3889012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Its_ZombieNinja_MoFo/pseuds/Its_ZombieNinja_MoFo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I suck at summaries. Lmao</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kibble Date (Craig x Reader)

**Author's Note:**

> Ever since joining Hulu Plus , I've been binge watching South Park. Seriously , can't get enough of those little rascals.  
> These may or may not be shitty.  
> Probably will.  
> -cries-  
> My summary skills suck as bad as Jennifer Lopez's talent.
> 
> South Park belongs to Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

(Name) and Craig aren't necessarily friends. Nor are they enemies. However, when both owners' guinea pigs decided to coincidently escape their home and cross paths, it leaves them questioning certain things.

 

Over the course of continously meeting up with (Name)'s guine pig , it drives Craig to realize that Stripe lacked any friends. It would be good to let him play around with others of his kind. Still , why would Stripe want furry friends? He was enough. Wasn't he?

 

                                                                                                         ** _Wheek , wheek , wheek !_**  


 

Craig turned his attention to his precious pet at the speed of light. It was rare for the little guy to make such noises all of a sudden. As the nasally boy reached the creature's cage , Stripe clung onto the cage bars on his two feet. Signaling he wanted _out._  


 

Sighing , Craig ran his fingers through his hair. Seeing as he only ever removed his chulo hat when alone. "I know you don't like this new cage ," he comforted , "But I can't have you running away all the time."

 

                                                                                                        ** _Wheek , wheek , wheek !_**  


 

Craig frowned a bit. He didn't like seeing his little friend depressed, but he also didn't like him acting like a spoiled brat.

 

"It's that other guinea pig , isn't it?" Craig mused.

 

                                                                                                        ** _Wheek , wheek , wheek !_**  


 

Little Stripe quickly hopped around in excitement at the mention of said guinea pig. Craig couldn't help , but deepen the frown. What did that damn guinea pig have that he didn't? A vagina, probably.

 

Alright , so  _maybe_ Stripe did need someone else other than Craig. Like a guinea pig.

 

                                                                                                                  ** _[[ Time Skip ]]_**  


 

A clearing of the throat caught (Name)'s attention. Who would be bothering her? Looking up from her classwork , a confused expression met with a blank one. However , before she could inquire , his monotone voice spoke first.

 

"Come over afterschool, " he simpy stated , "And bring your guinea pig."

 

That was...odd. (Name) thought as the boy stalked back to his seat.

 

                                                                                                           ** _Ding-dong ! Ding-dong!_**  


 

The young girl waited patiently outside the Tucker residence with (Pet Name) in hand. What could Craig possibly want with her guinea pig?

 

"Come in." The sudden apperance seemed more of a demand rather than welcome. As the girl entered the residence , she trailed behind the boy like a lost puppy. She asked for his motives , but only received the bird from said boy.

 

                                                                                                          ** _Wheek , wheek , wheek !_**  


 

"Eek!" (Name) yelped as both pets crossed sight, leaping at one another. Though it took Craig by surprise also , (Name)'s reaction caught him more off guard. She sounded just like a guinea pig.

 

"Is this why you wanted her over?" (Name) smiled at the scene. Both creatures jumping about in excitement.

 

"Yeah." Not a man of much words. Hmph.

 

"Y'know..." (Name) trailed off , a mischevious glint in her eyes. And Craig wasn't sure how to feel about it. "...this is pretty much a date."

 

Craig's eyes widened. "What? No!" His mind jumbled all together.

 

"Righhhht. And I'm Martha Stewart." She continued. "Smooth move , Tucker. Smooth move." The girl let out a hearty laugh as she approched the two furry friends.

 

Come to think of it , maybe having another friend around isn't so bad.


	2. Rosh Hashanah (Kyle x Reader)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apples and honey. Yum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to apologize in advance for any potential incorrect information that may be portrayed in the following piece of writing. If this offends the Jewish religion in any way, again I apologize. Keep in mind that South Park is suppose to be highly offensive. Thank you and enjoy.

 It had always annoyed Kyle when he was bashed for his religion. More specifically , by Eric Cartman. What was so wrong about being Jewish? Every religion differs , yet , he gets shitted on the most for it. Which is why when his mother informed him of the upcoming Rosh Hashanah , he knew he had to avoid Cartman at all costs. If that fatass were to find out about the  said Jews' role in the event , he'd never let him live it down. He wasn't embarrassed of his religion. No, of course not. He was worried of Eric busting his balls for it. Or worse. The potential ideas Eric could have for that day.  
  
"Why do I have to play the role of Moses? Why can't the other Kyle do it?" The little ginger whined to his mother.  
  
"Now listen here Kyle two ," Sheila scolded , "This is a very important time for us jewish. You should feel blessed to be priviliged with such a role."  
  
"But mom!"  
  
"No 'buts' , Kyle two!  
  
  
                                                                                                                                 **[The Play]**  
  
  
"And so Moses climbed the top of the mountain..."  
  
        A Kyle dressed as Moses steadily climbed up the 'mountain' , with a staff in hand. Soft curses went unheard under his breath. While the pastor continued to narrate the story of Moses maintaining the land holy, he made sure to intently observe  **every. single. person.** See, as days had grown closer to the first day of Rosh Hashanah , he was absolutely positive that Cartman had no clue of this holiday. Which relieved Kyle. Letting him possibly enjoy the two days. But no. Nothing ever good happened in South Park. It just so happened , there were several flyers posted around town regarding the event. And with how small South Park is , how could Eric NOT have seen it? But as the young boy stood atop , there was no fatass in sight. It both satisfied and worried him. You should never underestimate Cartman. However , there was someone who did catch his attention. A girl with (h/l) caught his eye. I mean , how couldn't she? She stood out amongst the rest . She was defnately not Jewish , Kyle concluded. It made him wonder if outsiders were even allowed.  
  
"Moses would then flee from Egypt..."  
  
This was gonna be a long day.  
  
                                                                                                          
                                                                                                                                         **[Shofar]**  
  
  
Kyle trudged down the hoard of talking people in search of his family. It wasn't until now that he realized how big the Jewish community actually was in this location.  
  
"Over here , boopy!" Kyle snapped his head around at his mother's embarrassing nickname. It was even more embarrassing when he noticed the girl from before was there with her. Probably making small talk.  
  
"Kyle, this is (Name). She's currently studiying the Jewish religion in hopes of one day becoming part of us." Sheila explained.  
  
"Hello. It's nice to meet you." The (e/c) smiled and outstretch her hand for him to shake.  
  
Woah. She's cute.  
  
"Hey. It's nice to meet you , too." Unlike his best friend, Stan, he didn't throw up whenever he saw someone cute. Or attractive. _Really_ attractive. Okay, Kyle. That's enough.  
  
  
                                                                                                                            _ **ah-ooh-gah !**_  
  
        All the people in attendance turned to the sound of the Shofar horn. Everyone aside from (Name) knew what this signaled. Kyle was quick to notice. Judging by her confused behavior.  
  
"Kyle, be a dear and help (Name) out." Sheila  ~~ordered~~ asked his son. Kyle happily agreed. He could only hope Cartman didn't catch them on the way to the nearby river.  
  
(Name) curiously glance at her slice of bread. Then at the river in front. And then at the others throwing small chunks of the bread into the water.  
  
"How come we're throwing bread in the river?" She asked Kyle. Watching as he quietly threw in his own chunks of sin. The ginger quickly turned to the girl next to him. He'd almost forgotten he had to teach her a bit of their ways.  
  
"It's a form of repent. Each chunk of bread represents one of our many sins. Like asking for forgiveness." The boy explained. If Stan were in his place, he would've probably made a fool of himself. Or worse. Thrown up. Yuck. Lucky, Kyle knew how to retaliate. In turn, she hummed in understandment. Tearing away at her slice of bread.  
  
                                                  
                                                                                                                                       **[Dinner]**  
  
It had been a pretty tiring day that was for sure. Food sounded amazing right about now. (Name) quietly followed behind the Broflovski family. Leading them to the dinner table. The first thing she noted was everyone eating apples with honey first. Tradition maybe? She'd have to ask once the opportunity arose.  
  
"Try some, (Name)." Kyle suggested, as he grabbed his own apple with honey. Nodding, she did the same.  
  
"Are apples with honey considered tradition this day?" Her lip slowly licked up her previously coated lips. It tasted great!  
  
"You could say that." He replied, mouth a bit stuffed. "It represents a good year. We only do it the first night, though. So don't worry about having to eat these tomorrow."  
  
(Name) nodded throughout the brief explanation until , "oh!" Noticing a small dab of honey on Kyle's suit, she reacted quickly by snatching a nearby napkin and ever so gently wiping it off. 'Her hair smells nice', he thought. With such close contact, Kyle quickly brushed off the thought while attemping to also brush off the upcoming blush.  
  
"There!" (Name) smiled proudly , pulling away. It was a little secret that she was sort of a neat freak.  
  
                                                                                                                                                                          
  
                                                                                                                                                **[End]**  
  
  
"Thanks for all your help, Kyle.  Please thank your family in my part, also." Both Kyle and (Name) stood outside in the somewhat cool night. A single call from her parents signaled it was time to leave.  
  
"Oh. Yeah. No problem." Kyle wasn't very good with words. Or females. It hadn't mattered back then, but now he thought maybe it did.  
  
"I'll see you tomorrow! Maybe you can help me study Torah?" The girl waved at him as she left. Her figure slowly decreasing the farther she went. Kyle stared for a bit. Sighing in the process.  
  
"Oh that is sweeeet."  
  
Kyle swore his heart stopped.  
  
"Looks what I have , Kyle." The 'big-boned' boy mused at the ginger.  
  
Regretfully, he turned around. Eyes widening at sight.  
  


And in that moment.

  
He knew he fucked up.  
  


"42 aborted fetuses."


End file.
